No one follows me on twitter so I'm hoping to give them a new life to roam free and wild and funnY...
BEST TWEETS NO ONE HAS READ!
JULY 5th, 2017
The book went to the beach. The book went into the beach bag. The book went from the bag into my bed. My bed is now the beach. #booknerd
FEBRUARY 12, 2017
When are they changing #SNL to the 'Kate McKinnon show'? #shecanplayanyone
DECEMBER 26th, 2016
'Shut up, I'm in the middle of a mystery novel' is how I say 'I love you.' #tanafrench #inthewoods #survivingtheholidays #HappyHolidays
DECEMBER 16th, 2016
Trump announces Elmer Fudd for Head of Rabbit Protection Agency. #TrumpCabinetBand #Trump #cabinetpicks
DECEMBER 4th, 2016
If we all posted impressions of Trump the same day do you think he might just short circuit? #SNL #dumpthetrump #RESISTANCE #pantsuitnation
NOVEMBER 21st, 2016
'Hailing' should be restricted to taxis, freezing rain balls, and the occasional Roman Senate reenactment. #DumpTrump #DumpBannon
NOVEMBER 18th, 2016
Last night I dreamed it was election night and - oh hang on, Reality's waving at me - what?...no?...NO...NO!!!! Never mind. #NeverNormalize
October 16, 2016
New mantra: WWEHD? (What Would the Eagle Huntress Do?) #TheEagleHuntress #OaxacaFilmFest
SEPTEMBER 30th, 2016
When I hold my purse in the crook of my elbow I feel like the worst kind of adult imposter.
SEPTEMBER 30th, 2016
My cat has started nibbling on my toes when I’m in bed in the morning without me even having to train her to. #cats
SEPTEMBER 21st, 2016
An undisclosed source snuck me into #CGI2016 and the dirt is it's just a bunch of people working hard to solve global problems. #boring
SEPTEMBER 21st, 2016
Half of me believes #JenniferAniston's all 'As if I care' but the other half of me is a girl who's been in a relationship. #Brangelina
SEPTEMBER 16, 2016
My new fettish is guys wearing #Hillary teeshirts...which is good cause the other stuff was getting weird. #HillaryClinton
SEPTEMBER 14th, 2016
'Your protagonist is unlikeable' 'Um, but, I mean, I'm just writing me' #writerslife #WriterWednesday #screenwriting
SEPTEMBER 2, 2016
You should be able to rate #Airbnb guests on how passive-aggressive their review is. #kindaclean
AUGUST 26th, 2016
I need a warning label on the movie poster if a dog's gonna die to avoid wailing like a banshee on a first date. #HappyInternationalDogDay
AUGUST 23rd, 2016
When u hear teenagers give TERRIBLE sex advice, is jumping in with your own opinions weird and pervy or my civic duty? #LetsTalkAboutSex
AUGUST 13th, 2016
"My eye is bleeding, the Internet says it's fine though" #adulting
AUGUST 8th, 2016
BAND: MAKE SOME NOISE! Um. U make noise. I've come cuz u r skilled in noise & also u have mics & speakers so it's an impractical suggestion
JULY 27th, 2016
'No but like, which speech made you cry harder?' -The #Obamas to Sasha and Malia at every family dinner this month #ImWithHer #DemsInPhilly
JUNE 15th, 2016
We have to combat crap with love but some people I wanna love like Lenny loved da kitten, know what I'm sayin'? (re: the NRA saying something shitty)
APRIL 24th, 2016 (when they announced Harriet Tubman was going on the $20 bill)
I dunno, this is a happy moment for #HarrietTubman, you'd think she would smile more? #ImWithHer #SmileMore
FEBRUARY 24th, 2016
Saleswoman: What do you use under your eyes before bed?
Me: I dunno, what?
Me: Oh, I thought you were telling a joke...#soho
JANUARY 19th, 2016
I propose if you can't turn the taxi TV off your ride should be free. #whenIruletheworld #NYCTaxi
DECEMBER 15, 2015
FB ads suggest I might want a custom cross-stitch portrait of my cat and I'm simultaneously offended and intrigued. #catlady #FacebookAds
OCTOBER 1, 2015 (when that woman had to go to the hospital with builder's foam in her hair)
I dunno, I think builder's foam was really the only way to tackle the humidity yesterday. #curlyhairproblems
AUGUST 18th, 2015
When you're on a date and ask if he thought he'd make a good PIRATE and he hears PARENT. #lotstolearn #communicationbreakdown
JULY 27th 2015
I find boxing movies to be really hit or miss. #Southpaw
May 27th, 2015
Instead of jogging now I just play the #MadMax soundtrack while I sleep and it gets me in my target heart rate zone. #fitness
MARCH 4th, 2015
When a guy tries to pick you up by telling you you're having a bad hair day. It's like, no this is pretty good, thanks. #AwkwardLifeMoments
JANUARY 20th, 2015
Plane hasn't even taken off and already I've picked out the jerk I'll eat first in the event we crash on a desert island. #assholesgofirst
NOVEMBER 22nd, 2015 (NOTE: I don't remember what I was angry at...)
I'm at 'yelp-review' level anger. #williamsburg
NOVEMBER 18th 2015
'I feel like I'm on that show where they make the drugs' she said while I watched her bleach her shower mat in a bucket. #BreakingBad
NOVEMBER 13th 2015
The guy taking my visa photo told me my face says: shut your face or I'll punch u, n-word. Which is hysterical if u know me. Which u don't.
NOVEMBER 11th, 2014 (I don't remember this date....)
Is it good strategy to tell a guy to 'lower his expectations' before a date? I like setting up for surprise and not disappointment.
OCTOBER 10, 2014
last night I dreamed I invented a new dessert. I woke up set to become a titan of the dessert industry. Then I realized I invented cobbler.
OCTOBER 1st, 2014
Communicating with people is hurting my face holder.